dC's advice column: whats the story morning glory?

Yo yo yo dC,
My top dawg, hows it hangin? I’ve been facin some major problematic problems recently and I thought Id drop you a holler and get some advice with a side orderin of rice you know what im sayin?

Anyway, the deal is bro that I just cant get myself to wake up in the friggin morning. No matter what I try. My woman be busy screaming her gawddamn lungs out but I cant get the body to move. My mind is saying come on boss, shake it, bake it, make it happen. But it just doesn’t work. Ive tried alarms, bombs, early morning FM, makin my lady throw a bucket of cold water on me (just resulted in me almost smackin her for her impudence), etc etc… Basically, ive tried everything…

I’ve got a job answering queries at the airline counter in Mumbai airport and getting late is just gonna get my ass fired. Help boss, youre like the savior for my misbehavior dude…

-dozing in dadar

Dear dozemaster,
As my good friend Sam would say..its hanging a bit to the left today. But ok, getting to your problem…I have a few issues with the selection of solutions you embarked on.
1.Early morning Indian FM is not for waking/listening purposes. Its what the Indian army uses to torture those who cross the LOC illegally. Don’t ever do that to yourself man..no matter how much of an idiot you might think you are (and you seem to be ranking quite high in the india’s most retarded hitlist)
2.bombs? Dude…..
3.cold water? Man….there are times when I don’t even know what to say….

So anyway, I fortunately, (as in most cases) do not share in your particular predicament, so I turned to my phenomenon of a flatmate who sleeps so much through the day, I sometimes think he’s in a call center. He however, miraculously, survives on, gets his ass out of bed and keeps his job, somehow…Here is what he had to say:

“the oversleeping condition (complimented by the ‘I cant wake up in the morning condition’ is caused by the severe reproduction of the violet colored imbecile-effect inducing moronis cells in the brain’s frontal lobe area. The best solution is to have someone deliver a swift kick in the nuts to you first thing in the morning". Whilst this is something my flatmate has to deal with often, my advice is to follow it up with a supremely loud playback of korn’s issues album or megadeth’s - youthanasia. There is a track in the issues album called wake up that I used for 2 months in a row during my god-forsaken board exams. I never heard it once after that due to the hellish nightmares it brings, but yeah, it got the job done.

Secondly, quit whining and grow a pair.

Sleep earlier, quit fantasizing on how you’ll one day become rich and successful, quit watching late night home-shopping networks (you cannot afford anything) and finally, try to expand your severe lack of grey matter with some intellectual reading. Whilst someone like you would not understand anything a book might be trying to express, it will make you sleepy and hopefully get you up in the morning screaming ‘holy crap!, im a loser, time to make something of my life!’

Hope this helps.
-dC
P.S. aren’t you the idiot who was getting clobbered for not providing the VIP passengers with information on the delayed flight out of Mumbai last week?