Tuesday, February 06, 2007

dC's advice column: whats the story morning glory?

Yo yo yo dC,
My top dawg, hows it hangin? I’ve been facin some major problematic problems recently and I thought Id drop you a holler and get some advice with a side orderin of rice you know what im sayin?

Anyway, the deal is bro that I just cant get myself to wake up in the friggin morning. No matter what I try. My woman be busy screaming her gawddamn lungs out but I cant get the body to move. My mind is saying come on boss, shake it, bake it, make it happen. But it just doesn’t work. Ive tried alarms, bombs, early morning FM, makin my lady throw a bucket of cold water on me (just resulted in me almost smackin her for her impudence), etc etc… Basically, ive tried everything…

I’ve got a job answering queries at the airline counter in Mumbai airport and getting late is just gonna get my ass fired. Help boss, youre like the savior for my misbehavior dude…

-dozing in dadar

Dear dozemaster,
As my good friend Sam would say..its hanging a bit to the left today. But ok, getting to your problem…I have a few issues with the selection of solutions you embarked on.
1.Early morning Indian FM is not for waking/listening purposes. Its what the Indian army uses to torture those who cross the LOC illegally. Don’t ever do that to yourself man..no matter how much of an idiot you might think you are (and you seem to be ranking quite high in the india’s most retarded hitlist)
2.bombs? Dude…..
3.cold water? Man….there are times when I don’t even know what to say….

So anyway, I fortunately, (as in most cases) do not share in your particular predicament, so I turned to my phenomenon of a flatmate who sleeps so much through the day, I sometimes think he’s in a call center. He however, miraculously, survives on, gets his ass out of bed and keeps his job, somehow…Here is what he had to say:

“the oversleeping condition (complimented by the ‘I cant wake up in the morning condition’ is caused by the severe reproduction of the violet colored imbecile-effect inducing moronis cells in the brain’s frontal lobe area. The best solution is to have someone deliver a swift kick in the nuts to you first thing in the morning". Whilst this is something my flatmate has to deal with often, my advice is to follow it up with a supremely loud playback of korn’s issues album or megadeth’s - youthanasia. There is a track in the issues album called wake up that I used for 2 months in a row during my god-forsaken board exams. I never heard it once after that due to the hellish nightmares it brings, but yeah, it got the job done.

Secondly, quit whining and grow a pair.

Sleep earlier, quit fantasizing on how you’ll one day become rich and successful, quit watching late night home-shopping networks (you cannot afford anything) and finally, try to expand your severe lack of grey matter with some intellectual reading. Whilst someone like you would not understand anything a book might be trying to express, it will make you sleepy and hopefully get you up in the morning screaming ‘holy crap!, im a loser, time to make something of my life!’

Hope this helps.
P.S. aren’t you the idiot who was getting clobbered for not providing the VIP passengers with information on the delayed flight out of Mumbai last week?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

dC's advice column: the inheritance of loss

Dear dC,
This last week has been the very saddest of my entire life. I have never known the earth shattering aftermath of a great loss; but god, in all his beauty, in all his cruelty took someone very close away from me, and I just have not been able to find the answers…

He was over a 160 years old, the oldest living member of our family, Abraham D’Souza (affectionately ‘Abe’) - our pet turtle passed away silently in his sleep.
Having seen me grown up and having been with me through the toughest of times, I am looking for a way to honor his life with a funeral ceremony. Knowing the sensitivity and beauty with which you express your deepest feelings, I thought who better than dC to help me make this a glorious goodbye.

-Lost in lucknow

Dear lost,
Man, I have one question for you. What kind of people, or lets say what species on this planet, choose a turtle for a pet? I mean seriously. Is a turtle even categorized in the ‘Worlds Handbook of Certified Pets’? I’m trying to see your side here, I really am. All I’m left wondering though is – Dude, a turtle? Did you guys play catch? Did he bound into the doorway when he saw you come back from school? Did he lick your face when seeing you after a family vacation? Did he purr gently and snuggle up next to you?

Dude…a handbag is not a pet.

Also, with my little knowledge of turtles, Abe here passed away well before his time right? ‘cos these dudes usually live upto being like 8000 years old or something? I was watching this national geographic once and they found this 4000 year old skeleton, and there was a turtle sitting right next to it. What was crazy though was that scientists figured out he was one of those angst filled teenage turtles (not the mutant ninja ones) going through puberty. Man, thats some old shit.

Don’t get me wrong though. I, in all my wisdom once thought of getting a turtle as well. I have no idea why. I even thought of a name – Tot. Pretty insipid name but I was like 6 or something. Anyway, the idea was scrapped when my dad (the great and original senior DC) brought to light that harsh realities of everyday life.

“dC my son, you’d call tot for breakfast and he would come down for dinner”.

As always he was right. I got a pet elephant itself, a much better choice and only partially illegal.

Ok, so anyway. You want to plan a funeral thing. I guess you’d do the usual – life size picture of ol’ Abe in the front. Friends and family crawling around his 4x4 coffin munching (slowly) on some cloves or leaves or something…

You gotta have the right music ofcourse…I’d suggest any of George Winston’s albums (the December album is tremendously soulful)...If you want to really get a tribute going you might wanna put on some Robert cray or Kenny wayne Sheppard to kick in the blues as the amphibians and you discuss stories of how he once sped across the living room in less than a week to honor his beloved kimi raikkonen. Yeah, itll be a relaxed scene. Maybe later you guys can make a table out of him or something. Honor and utility are partners in the game of life….

Hope this helps
P.S. if I get a mail from you 5 years later asking for a first draft on the eulogy of your pet snake ‘anna’ ; the answer is no.