dC's advice column: getting it on.

Dear dC,
This is a bit embarrassing to say, but my husband and I (married for nearly 25 years now) have been having some trouble in the bedroom department lately. I don’t know if its his new job or the new mattress I just got from the discount store down the street; he just isn’t firing on all cylinders if you know what I mean. Or well, he’s firing a bit too quickly…well I’m sure you get the drift.

I’ve been reading your column and I am sure the wonders of music would get his ‘well you know’ thing going….
Please help! I want more children…4 is just not enough don’t you think?)

-Desperate in Dalhousie

Dear Desperate,
Ok lady, first off…you’ve been married for 25 years. Considering failed child marriage acts in this country I’m guessing that should make you atleast 30 years old. So please quit saying ‘well you know’ and ‘if you know what I mean’. We ain’t talking about the secret blood line of Jesus Christ or the crying lactose effect of ganesha statues here. Nothing to be shy about man. This isn’t Dan Brown’s advice column ok?

Ok. Back to your problem. Fairly common issue. My worry here is more for your husband and his state of mind at the moment though. You see men like to perform when relaxed. This is not just restricted to the bedroom. Whilst sport is a different matter (where adrenaline and competition play a mightier role in performance), the bedroom is about union, a congruence, a divine act. What im trying to say is , Lady, are you trying to make a little cricket team out of your kids? you’ve already got 4 in 25 years, go easy on the cycle of life sister, we’re all doing our bit…you don’t have to take on china alone you know.

Anyway, what you guys do is up to you. If mr. desperate needs some motivation I suggest a couple of things that have been known to work for some of my friends. My phenomenon of a flatmate chooses to play any one of the longish Doors numbers when he’s getting his mack on. Problem with that though can be that Jim’s songs many a times last longer than him so there’s this melody going “Mr Mojo riiiiiiiiiiisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, got to keep on riiiiiiiiiisiiiiiiiiiiiiing” and I come downstairs to find the 2 of them washed up, dressed and drinking stale orange juice….not the coolest scene on the block you know but yeah an option…

Don’t go for the obvious sexual healing and lets get it on. They’re clichés and quite frankly no Indian dude can ever really compare male machismo to the African-american…way out of our league. For your unique case though, I propose putting on Lenny Kravitz’ greatest hits and learning the words to ‘I belong to you’. That’s gotta get things smoking…and if not. Just get a poster of the dude on the wall, whatever Mr. Dalhousie can offer, you can enhance through lenny’s supposed super sexuality. I’ve known a few cats to shake off below average (but good people type) lovers through that image.

Hope this helps.

-dC